letters from the vault

Hi. I am Batrisyia Delaila. A shy, timid girl from a small town, Kajang.  I once was labeled as the quiet kid in the classroom. THE MOST BISU.  Worry not, all gud now. I’ve learned how to speak… and I’ve barely stopped ever since. Accidentally jerut myself into the chaos of degree that I, Batrisyia Delaila, half-consciously and not knowing what to expect, applied for. I hope I will make it out alive. ok yada yada,  Hereby I attach links of where you may connect with me! first.. go here if u want to have a formal first impression of me lol but srsly it is just a goofy goofy one. me is still learning (less judging, more encouraging plis) =   linkedin   then, go  here if u want to see my instagram that i... only post on my closefriends. my friend once said that she feels like i wont even post my wedding picture lol  here my rojak  spotify  account. u name it, i listen to all kinds.  no i dont have twitter. sorry. (i used to, but i ha...

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. I guess this is one of those nights when I randomly decide to write something here. At one point, I feel okay, I feel fine, I feel satisfied. and the very next second, I feel completely useless, as if I’ve done nothing in my life. I feel mediocre and desperately want to climb out of this mediocrity. I hope good things await me… and for now and always: sabr , la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah . Honestly it is a bit too painful for me to live like this, tapi ini kan prosesnya. Aku tak sepatutnya compare life aku dengan sesiapa. It is good enough I get a placement for the course that I am dying to get into. Aku pun tak pasti sebenarnya apa yang aku kejar. Tapi aku tahu  yang aku tengah kejar sesuatu. aku bukan lah tak pasti, tapi aku tak sure aku nak disclose ke tak lol. Tolong doakan aku dapat benda yang aku kejar sangat ni. HONESTLY aku cakap aku "tak pasti apa yang aku kejar" sebab aku tak sure whether it's good or not for me. And aku tak pa...

what are these feelings? what am i even chasing? what am i doing here? am i doing the right thing for myself? is this the right path? is this how it's supposed to feel? am i learning anything here?  am i 5 week behind? such questions linger in my head, echoing , for the past few weeks.  am i.. capable of this? is this... really what i want to do with my life? These thoughts keep on haunting me.. This place is something else. I dont know how to word it, but it is just.. different. and it seems like the world wont lend me much time to adapt with all these changes. 

for as long as i have lived, i have always tried to feel content with my life and accept my qadr.. those two things: accept my qadr, be content.  i tried, i really tried. and i try to be my best, pushing through every thing. trying to do every thing possible, trying to utilize and make the most out of every opportunity.  i try to obtain everything that i can. but in reality, we just cannot expect life to favour us all the time.  Today, yet again, i faced another rejection. but this time, it is not in my fault. and  am beyond saddened because i did all i could to make this one work.  i really want to scream of how much i dont deserve this. i dont deserve to face the consequences of someones rookie mistake.  i really want to publish that article i wrote on clj. and now, it is RUINED. all the absolute hope is broken, stolen. maybe the fact of this situation is not as crazy or saddening if u read it, but it's the principle. i pour everything that i could. and n...

 i really dont understand the science behind me wanting to write before a very big moment that i surely neeed to prepare for. but tonight, i cant help myself from not writing.  funny how i learn law yet nothing is ever just to me.  Tonight, i feel very little. i feel very helplesss, i feel very alone. i know it is wrong for me to compare the treatment that i n my other siblings received from our parents. i know that as a 19 years old, this is very very childish of me, very inconsiderate of me. but can i be all that negative words, just for tonight? i know that there are many variables that contribute to the difference of the treatment received. one of the most obvious is that.. my parents are getting older and older, all they want now is peace of mind. I dont deny that. even me myself, i would prefer peace over anything at that age. but tonight, can you look at me as in the real me. i am just a girl, asking my parents to parent me. i need support too, i need those words o...

looking back 12 months from now, i have lived many lives. in 2024, i finished my high school, sat for THE spm, received the RESULT, met soooo many amazing minds while trying to place my humble self in this world, got rejected many many times, got the result for UPU, first time ever being apart from my family- managing my own life from the sun rise till it sets. crazy. single-handedly figuring out uni life, which i innitially had zero clue on how it works? what da hell in the world is this week system? why am i getting all the assignment at the first week on the first class?? surely was panicking my ass on that first week of August. then, my first time ever trying to complete group assignment.. "ohhh theres rubric that i need to comply with" "oh, i may consult this with my lecturer" "oh.. kena booking for consultation? i thought after class should be fine?" "aik, tak belajar lagi kena buat task camni dah? cane nak buat ni" tak campur lagi with my ...

 CRAZYYY UPDATEEE. been so long since the last time aku post my last entry.  life has been weird. not good not bad, just weird.  first semester?  Weirdly aced it. Weird 4.0 for upu. Weirdly inactive. weirdly tak batak nak lead semua society. weirdly diam. weirdly tak rasa apa apa when i saw that 3.96 for uitm which 2023 bat would have felt like a failure. second semester? weirdly 3/4 done with it. weird that i did not present anything yet. weirdly tak buat hafazan lagi. weirdly semua benda tak buat lagi. weirdly heavy hearted all the time. Some thing never changes, i guess? 2025 is weird. did not undergone any medical check up. weirdly. weirdly my body has put up and built resistance, which Dr Soezi, my neurologist, also alyssa bennet's aunt, said i would never.  weirdly spent so much money on leisure, which  2023 bat would judge me so so bad if she saw this heck of habit. but weirdly, this gave me a sense of relief.  weirdly fixed communication betwee...