mindless talking before AIKOL interview #crashout

 i really dont understand the science behind me wanting to write before a very big moment that i surely neeed to prepare for.

but tonight, i cant help myself from not writing. 

funny how i learn law yet nothing is ever just to me. 

Tonight, i feel very little. i feel very helplesss, i feel very alone. i know it is wrong for me to compare the treatment that i n my other siblings received from our parents. i know that as a 19 years old, this is very very childish of me, very inconsiderate of me. but can i be all that negative words, just for tonight?

i know that there are many variables that contribute to the difference of the treatment received. one of the most obvious is that.. my parents are getting older and older, all they want now is peace of mind. I dont deny that. even me myself, i would prefer peace over anything at that age.

but tonight, can you look at me as in the real me. i am just a girl, asking my parents to parent me. i need support too, i need those words of comfort too, i need your time too. 

maybe abang is your first born, your very first experience of becoming parents. hence you are very present. because you are just as nervous as abang, because it is your first time accompanying your child to interviews (and so on so forth). So, during my time, you feel like u have gone thru this before, nothing new, nothing too challenging, but this is my first time. i need my parents to be with me, to guide me, just like how you guided abang, what i want is very simple and direct, equal treatment. it is very hurtful to see that i am always the lesser sibling, i always need to try harder just to attract a glimpse of your attention.

what sucks the most that ive grown from that version of me that begs for you to be my parents, to the version that does not give a flying fuck about having a parents, and now, i am that person that only need my parents to be with me at crucial moment. yet none of these versions... actually get what they want.

i know it is wrong of me to write this. i shouldve been more understanding. but maybe only this time, i want to be understood too? ik i barely shown this part of me, but maybe, just maybe, i do have this side too. maybe i am not too distance after all. 

maybe the reason why i cannot love anyone that much is due to me having to SEEK love from my parents from a very little age. maybe thats why i prefer to be on my own. maybe thats why i refuse help. maybe thats why i push away every people that come to me. maybe thats why i tend to mess my talking stages by saying that i am not ready.

maybe i just cannot believe that anyone could ever love me. maybe i believe that love is very tiring to get. maybe i believe that i can love myself better than anyone because that is how it always has been. maybe i believe that if i have to fight THAT much to be seen, might as well just keep on being alone.

aku tahu aku dah jauh sangat dah ni merapu but very rare of me to speak of love. im always the uninterested one whenever anyone talk about love. maybe because it is such a struggle for me even to get a spark of love during my childhood.

after all, ik that it is 100% my responsibility to heal from this. it is totally on me that how i take all of this, how i cope with all this.

May Allah ease every heart that is aching.

i pray every nice things to happen to my parents, and i hope Allah will give them a spark of idea on how to treat me better, perhaps i shoould go to sleep now i have interview tomorow. ik for a fact that my mother will go crazy if i did not get any of it secured, i just hope that she will suppport me tho instead of getting mad at the result, i suggest her try to be present during the process.

so not nonchalant of me to write all of this, but bbest believe that even the most nonchalant man in the town (me) needs to rant, sometimes.