crazy update

 CRAZYYY UPDATEEE. been so long since the last time aku post my last entry. 

life has been weird. not good not bad, just weird. 

first semester?  Weirdly aced it. Weird 4.0 for upu. Weirdly inactive. weirdly tak batak nak lead semua society. weirdly diam. weirdly tak rasa apa apa when i saw that 3.96 for uitm which 2023 bat would have felt like a failure.

second semester? weirdly 3/4 done with it. weird that i did not present anything yet. weirdly tak buat hafazan lagi. weirdly semua benda tak buat lagi. weirdly heavy hearted all the time. Some thing never changes, i guess?

2025 is weird. did not undergone any medical check up. weirdly. weirdly my body has put up and built resistance, which Dr Soezi, my neurologist, also alyssa bennet's aunt, said i would never. 

weirdly spent so much money on leisure, which  2023 bat would judge me so so bad if she saw this heck of habit. but weirdly, this gave me a sense of relief. 

weirdly fixed communication between me and my parents. but still weirdly aches when i talk to them. macam ayam dengan itik cakap pun ada. tak ada chemistry lagi. And... weirdly becoming that angry, easily irritated  daughter. 

weirdly not enthusiastic. soullessly isi upu again. weirdly redha with anything. weirdly doing all this application just for the sake of abang aku.

Last year, i was so angry at my 035 group bcs they did their work very sloppily. i wanted to publish that paper on mlj. i cried because i have verbally told them my aim. yet the outcome is not as good as i want it to be. but this year, i was weirdly given the chance to publish the paper. But life is weird, life paired me with weird teammates. Weird in terms of their work ethic. not just that, the lecturer also weirly postponed our meetings. And weirdly, i am not the same bat who would go mad and call them out anymore. I weirdly say, ikut kau la, pape nanti suruh aku buatkan jugak. weirdly, i am calmer than ever. i calmly watch everything come to crumbs.

weirdly, i feel sad to anyone who knows this version of me. weird because since when did i start to care how others would feel?

and weirdly, i craved more and more solitude as the day went on. 

and as i prayed for more peace, i got much more angrier. every small things pissed me off lately, quietly. and weirdly, i did not show that i am angry. i weirdly cry, which you should ask my high school friends, how often did i show any emotion other than happiness???

i changed into a different person as i walk through the day. neither in a good nor a bad way. nak kata makin cool pun tidak. it is just a weird character development. ben said im acting indifferent now, and i get what he meant. 

whatever it is, i still got 4 weeks left before i close this chapter of asasi. this is the experience that i would cherish till the day that i die. mungkin dengkil tak dapat the best version of aku, but here, aku grow. looking back 10 months ago, aku a changed man. dengkil taught me the surface of adulting, living on my own, managing my own life.

this is just me reflecting what i have done (or what life has done to me) at 1 a.m of this 2 April. 

May we be under the blessing of Allah Almighty, forever and always.