close my eyes, fantasize.

for as long as i have lived, i have always tried to feel content with my life and accept my qadr.. those two things: accept my qadr, be content. 

i tried, i really tried. and i try to be my best, pushing through every thing. trying to do every thing possible, trying to utilize and make the most out of every opportunity. 

i try to obtain everything that i can. but in reality, we just cannot expect life to favour us all the time. 

Today, yet again, i faced another rejection. but this time, it is not in my fault. and  am beyond saddened because i did all i could to make this one work. 

i really want to scream of how much i dont deserve this. i dont deserve to face the consequences of someones rookie mistake. 

i really want to publish that article i wrote on clj. and now, it is RUINED. all the absolute hope is broken, stolen. maybe the fact of this situation is not as crazy or saddening if u read it, but it's the principle. i pour everything that i could. and not just that, i dreamt of publishing that article since semester 1. 

i begged the lecturer to publish the paper with me from week 1 to week 7. that means...  2++months of begging because she was not really in the mood to do any publishing work. Then, one of my team being an absolute trash, so i did all the dirty job of hers while juggling on assignment that THE SAME PERSON DID NNOT GIVE A FUCK ON and KEEPING MY SANITY and KEEPING MYSELF ON TRACK TO SCORE MY FINALS.  all this only to find out my lecturer overlooked that theres other team doing a research paper on the same theme. and we can only publish one paper per theme. 

bukan nak ungkit, but if i did not beg the lecturer for seven weeks, SHE WONTTT even do any publication with students because she already have hers that shes working on. and my group submitted the paper first. kenapa tak turn down je yang lagi satu tu because THE THEME IS TAKENNNNNNNN. 

AND APA YANG LAGI FRUSTRATING, THEME LAGI SATU TU SENANYE THE BITCH YANG HILANGKAN MARK AKU UNTUK LCC SEM SATU. SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING TO SEE THAT IN THE SITUATION OF CHOOSING BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE, LIFE FAVOURS POMPUAN TUUU INSTEAD OF MEEEEE. THIS IS LIKE ONE OF THE BIGGEST BETRAYALS BY LIFE I HAVE FACED. 

AND THIS SITUATION HAS TAKEN ME BACK TO ALL OF THE THINGS HAPPENNED TO ME SINCE 2024!!!!! it is a continuous series of me paying my karma in cash.  perhaps once im done paying it, life will treat me better....

i cried to my mum because of how frustrating my life gets, this one surely hurts and indeed has opened the not-so-healed wound of mine. it hurts but maybe life is trying to teach me something. maybe i need to alter the way i think. maybe i need to leave it in the hands of Allah. maybe i need to do everything in the name of Allah. 

as a person with a mind that is logical-oriented, i am so so tired of trying to accept my qadr and be content with what i have due to its lack of explanation or justification.  The worst part is that, i feel like im punished again and again for being a stronger person, when all i want to do is to trust, to be understanding, to accept qadr.

but is not that the main goal of life,  after all? thats the test of life. to see whether you could keep trusting the Almighty of all Planners, even if you dont see why or any reason behind the story. 

all i could say is that, for now, i will just close my eyes and fantasize that everything went my way. and everything will follow my way. i will just fantasize that upu wiill give me either one of my choices for llb. i will just fantasize.. to keep my sanity. and hopefully it will become reality that i will possess one day. (kalau tak aku memang akan gila ah). Ya Allah, i dont know how You will do it, but i know You can. and this is me having iman in You.